By Cliff Pavlovic
Cupertino, April 1st, 2005
The world of computers and electronics has changed in a major way today. Apple Computer Inc. and Sony Corporation have merged together to form Snapple Inc., thus creating a new behemoth in the technology sector. This new company will be headed by none other than current Apple CEO, Steve Jobs. In the process, Snapple Beverage Corporation has been acquired to avoid any legal issues with the name of the new company.
How did this deal come about? Secret negotiations have been going on for months between the two companies, pushed by discontent shareholders of Sony who wanted a new direction for the company, a more profitable one. As for the recent appointment of a new CEO at Sony, this was simply a smokescreen to ensure that the negotiations would stay secret. During the talks, the name of the new company, Snapple, was decided and Snapple Beverage Corporation was approached to work out a deal concerning the name. Snapple Beverage Corporation refused to budge till Steve Jobs intervened, mesmerizing the Snapple board and major shareholders, convincing them to lay their future in his hands.
At today’s special press conference, Jobs said: “When we were approached by Sony, I was shocked at first, but it made sense to me after. Such a large company with so much potential. so much power, yet unable to leverage any of it. As the negotiations went along, I had a vision of a company that can fulfill all your entertainment needs, all your computing needs, so easily, so seamlessly. And when we had issues with the new company name, I went and had a chat with the Snapple people and told them of my vision. I told them that with their help, we could also fulfill people’s nutritional needs as well. Besides, I like the name of our new company and I was not going to let anyone stand in my way, in the way of my vision, in the path of the Apple way”. After saying that, Jobs got a 15 minutes standing ovation from the Mac faithful that were present. A few people fainted and one person was taken to hospital. The person is recovering well and should be released tomorrow.
As for the details thus far: The parent company will be called Snapple, yet the Sony and Apple brands will still exist where they carry good consumer recognition, like Sony Electronics and Apple Computers. Only products which will carry the Snapple name for now are the drinks, which were before called Snapple, but now will feature the new, hip logo. Also Sony Ericsson will now be known as Snapple Ericsson. Although the majority shareholders of the new company will be Sony shareholders, the whole board will be pretty much made up of the current Apple board members and those Sony board members that have accepted to submit to Jobs’ rule. One Sony shareholder, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “Look, these Apple guys know what they are doing. Even my grandmother wants an iPod, and she’s legally blind and tone deaf! Just think what they could do with Sony’s resources. So out with the old and in with the new!”. Sony board members leaving the new company have been given very nice severance packages: generous monetary compensation, a 17-inch PowerBook, 60GB iPod Photo and 5 free songs at the iTunes music store.
Although not much else is known on what direction the new company will take, Jobs made a statement concerning the Memory Stick, Sony’s proprietary flash memory format: “The Memory Stick, in all its forms, is no more. Just like the 3.5-inch floppy Sony helped create years ago, it is now dead, a vestige of the 20th century. All future products, which require removable memory, will accept the SD format or have a USB port in which an iPod Shuffle can be plugged in for extra storage. But I will say it again: The Memory Stick is dead!”. After saying that, Jobs got a 15 minutes standing ovation from the Sony users that were present. A few people fainted and two people were taken to hospital. They are recovering well and should be released tomorrow.
Illustration by Pierre Fiset